Friday, April 25, 2008

Marvelous in My Eyes

Do you know that I only have 126 posts to date? And I believe I came to blogdom in 2004?

Oh, well.

I do deep breathing in between each post as I take in the world around me. I have this thing about not spending too much time on the computer, because when I'm here too much, I am not really "in" my surroundings. And that really bothers me.

I need to LIVE my life, not think about it as I sit here. Maybe some of you have figured out how to do both, but I haven't yet. (I still feel like I am trying to figure out how to really LIVE, let alone handle much of anything else!)

I've been busy with spring, folks. What does it mean to you?

Yesterday was a bit chilly in Utah. I felt a bit quiet all day, and sometimes gray days are a bit hard with these boys because we can't be outside. I think we all get stir-crazy.

After eating dinner, I decided I needed a run. Even though the night before's run was not super enjoyable, I donned my black pants with white stripes down the side that I've had since 2001, my blue striped shirt and my sporty green long-sleeved overshirt. Grabbed my cozy black gloves, my iPod, and a piece of gum.

Walking out the back door, the air was crisp.

I loved every minute last night. I saw pink blossoming in the evening light, sprouting green on trees, all the while backed by the still-covered-with-snow mountains in the background. I felt at one with my body, as if my thoughts and emotions could spill freely out of my head into the air, diffusing and finding peace with the beauty around me.

I thought about my children, the beauty and love and joy they have brought to my life. Beginnings. Endings. Fears and hopes.

The first two songs that came up on my shuffle were both progressive-family songs, and that seemed to perfectly fit my mood. Sometimes I feel like I always write about the same things -- namely, motherhood, wifehood, my family. But these are the day-to-day issues for me. How can I be a better mother? How do I translate my desires to be a better wife into action? What kind of an imprint am I leaving? I am constantly thinking about these things.

It's not that I never think of anything else. I think about all sorts of other things/issues in the books that I read. But the crucial questions for me are always revolving around what I find most important in my life.

The songs marched right into rhythm. One talked about watching a little girl grow up, realizing she was the best thing that had ever happened.

I'm always reveling in that continuous revelation in my relationships.

The boys and I went to the duck pond this week. Deliciously warm with beautiful sunshine. Fresh duck poop that Benj put his hand down into and then got it on his shorts. Biting off pieces of sour cherry jolly rancher for all of us to share. Watching the ducks and birds around the pond, making music with our hands at the base of a light pole. We went up by some amphitheater-style seating benches. The boys have fun climbing up and down the stairs and walking down the aisles. I sat, bathing in sunlight and watching them, feeling a bit wistful, loving each second. We have spent all our time together this week, and yes, we always do, but I haven't tried to do other things at the same time. It has just been us, together. I held Benji's hands as he walked across the top of the benches, and he thought that was really something. I found myself thinking... "And one day they walked."

When did this happen? As quickly, quietly, and invisibly as the day they started smiling. The day they came into this world, and the few days following, when already I could recognize their individual sounds. The way those zygotes grow, imperceptibly to the eye, until, one day, you can see evidence! As fast as they started saying their first word and verbally communicating. These are hardly my babies anymore; I look and look away and look back and they are walking together, giggling together, commenting on their surroundings.

Beginnings. Celebrations. Living. The balloons bobbed on the back porch next door, where I knew there was a family bridal shower going on for Michelle, and each time I made my loop around, I looked in the front window from the sidewalk as I ran by. Looking for people at the food table, people celebrating, laughing together. Loving and celebrating and creating ties afresh. This was also a happy, wistful thought. I felt sincere joy for her, excitement.

I feel like I am always watching. There is so much to celebrate, and everyone is at different crossroads. It is exciting.

Being with children makes me see the world anew. It is beautiful, hopeful, full of wonder.

Being with friends helps me find common ground in day-to-day issues, gives me a sisterhood with other women.

Being with my husband forces me into constant growth and evaluation, building something of this relationship that became so much more than a friendship, and fast, early on.

Being a daughter and granddaughter fills me with gratitude, giving me big shoes. I feel like I step into them the same way my boys' feet fit in mine.

Being a sister gives me my best friends, women who bless my life in ways I can't possibly express.

I am feeling grateful for this circle I call my life, albeit a small one. I'm grateful for this season of spring, where I find, like always, I've got plenty to weed out. There are new flowers, too, and many residual flowers that I love -- blooming, brilliant colors with the familiar comfort of years, but without the fading.

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