Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Then & Now & Lovin' Every Minute

Then...(two weeks, to the day, before their birth -- with my four fabulous (and gorgeous) sisters at my grandmother's 90th birthday party):

And now, October 11th, one month old:

There's a reason that we were joined, inseparably, for 34 weeks. These are the fruits of my/our labors. I kept thinking tonight why I love my new job so much. For several reasons. NOT because I love staring at the alarm clock 10 times in the day, and especially because I love looking at that thing 10 times throughout the night. NOT because sore nipples are the best thing ever. Actually, they hurt. Really bad. NOT because I love to pump after each feeding to keep my milk supply up for two until they're eating enough to keep it up themselves. NOT because I'm tired all the time, or so it seems. NOT because I can't seem to get anything else done anymore. NOT because I miss exercising and being outside and missing the fall season because we are pretty much homebound for a while (oxygen and RSV and all). And NOT because we love getting out of bed every five minutes in the middle of the night when one of them has lost the binky and starts to let you know about it. But actually, yes, all of these. I've found that I love it. My sister asked me (the lovely one in the middle above) on the phone last week if it felt normal having them home, like if they fit in, if it felt weird at all adjusting. Not really, although it is kind of strange when you're first just thrown into the whole routine from one moment to the next and all of a sudden, you are a parent. (It was weird in the hospital when I was signing papers for them and put mother on the relation to patient line.) That is a little strange when you've never had two little people (let alone one) that belong to you and you are responsible for their nurturing and upbringing, and all of sudden you do. But, tonight, after Scott had gone up to school to take a test, I kept thinking about how much I love this new job. Maybe it's because I feel more neighborly (ie. I noticed that my neighbor who is just barely 16 was leaving in a car with a boy (and car) I didn't recognize and was excited that maybe she was going on another new date). Not that I wouldn't have noticed it before, but I just feel more interested in what is going on around me at home. I feel more "at home", so to speak. More aware of being at home, in creating a home, in what I'm doing. Especially I LOVE being a source of comfort. It is absolutely lovely how I know that Isaiah and Ben recognize me, when they are so upset and ready to eat and I lean down and nestle my head in between them, and they both reach out their arms and grab on and turn their faces into mine and the crying dies down, or when one of them starts sucking on my lips as I kiss them before they eat. Or, like last weekend, when we were watching "Miracle on 34th Street" (yes, in October), and one of them kept fussing and couldn't or wouldn't sleep, so we pulled both of them out of bed and each snuggled with one. Or when, after eating, or sometimes just chancing upon them in their cribs, I stare into their wide, open, beautiful eyes when it's quiet. Moments like that I hope I'll never forget.
Scott and I were talking the other night at dinner about having children and your own family and traditions, etc., and how it's got to be kind of strange when they've surrounded you for years and then they marry and have their own traditions and two families to see and aren't always with you anymore. I was telling him that I've already started to think about the day that I've got two beautiful, five-year-old boys with backpacks on, ready to go to kindergarten. I imagine myself then, smiling big and grinning so they think I'm brave as I wave them goodbye at their classroom, and then leaving and not being able to hold back the tears. I told Scott we'll have to go to lunch that day so he can console me and help me stop crying. He told me that sometimes I start to worry and stress about stuff way before its time. Yeah, I know. But somehow, being the sentimental person that I am, and now actually being a mother (which I've always wanted to be), it's like a part of me that I always knew existed has come to life. So, yes, it really is all of those things. I feel like I'm building something. I'm investing so much.

And it's so worth it. Say hello to my little men.

Love, love, lovin' it.

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