Tuesday, January 06, 2015

Kissing Calls for Cheers

As a small person who was obsessed with babies and home and family (not much has changed), I thought a lot about my future family and being a mother and how I would be with my children.

You could say that the actual experience has been a bit revelatory for me -- pretty much on repeat.


While I would say that the little heart's joy and focus then is the same that it is now, and that I am the person I thought I would be in many respects, I've also realized that my weaknesses and imperfections are in bold relief in my mothering too.

In those rosy days, I imagined a mother who would 
never lose her patience.
Never yell.
Never shame them with my criticizing.
Never do any of those sorts of things.

I've stopped saying never and am trying, instead, to apologize and keep trying in those moments when I don't handle things in the way I wish I would have.

I just thought I'd always be the mom who was 100%.  
All the time.  
always patient, 
always loving, 
never short or cross or irritated.

This seems so laughable to me now, and maybe 
a bit embarrassing to be admitting online.

But, whatever.

All that being said, there are days and moments when you share something truly beautiful with your kids, and that rosy is 100% reality.  Not fictitious.  The love and laughter, or joy and understanding, or tears from sharing something so personal run profoundly deep and do the knitting-together-of-our-hearts work.  
I love those times.

One of those, of the funny kind, happened recently.

I can't remember how we got on this a while back, but I think we were discussing kissing. And, typical, the boys' reaction to that these days is with discomfort and comments about that being gross, etc.

So, fast forward.
Just last week at the table, Benji turned around and said to me, "Mom, so you're saying that one day, when our hormones change, we will actually want to kiss?!"

And I said something like, 
"Oh yeah.  Definitely.  You're gonna love it."

I followed that by telling them that, when that happens, I'm hoping they'll tell me about it.
I said I'd be that mom behind the curtain, waiting for them to come in the house after their date.
(Okay, maybe not behind the curtain, but maybe in the kitchen making food and waiting up for them. Or reading.  Waiting up, for sure.) 
And that when I heard about the kiss, I'd kick my foot up and throw my hand in the air and let out a really loud, "WOOOOOOOOO!"
(And that's what I did as I was telling them that.)

And then I followed it with something like, "YEAH, BABY!!!!"

Cuz, I mean.  C'mon.

These are things to celebrate.

And in the meantime, my boys just kind of smiled at me and shook their heads.
The speech bubbles would have said something like, 
"Our mom is so ridiculous."
(Their faces betray what they're thinking.)
But I could tell they liked it.
They like when I'm goofy with them.

And so do I.

It's in those moments that 
the rosy becomes a reality and 
I know I'm doing it right.

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