On Marriage

It's gray out this morning.

After having the boys home all week last week due to eye infections (all three! of them), I didn't want to take them back.  I've decided (with Mr. C.'s support -- thank you, i love this) to homeschool them next school year, and last week we worked every day on reading and writing.  On days they're at preschool we can still get to these things later in the afternoon, but it always feels out of whack.  

Next winter I'll look forward to not ever having to go out in the snow and the cold early in the morning.

We can eat hot oatmeal or scones or muffins or...cold cereal...and then get right to work, leaving lots of time for adventure and creative play and outings in the afternoon.

In any case, I digress...

I've been mulling these two quotes over in my mind.

These thoughts (offered by Pres. Hinckley and Louis de Bernieres) are so contrary in some ways to modern media messages.

Love is supposed to be about fire and sparks and constant "madness," right?
I mean, listen to the text of most current love songs on the radio.
Pay attention to the commercials, advertisements on romance, even popular sitcoms and romantic reality TV shows.

I believe that a lot of these give us an askew perspective on what love is really about. 

I remember attending a lecture on love several years ago when I was a college student.  It was part of a "Lectures on Love" series and was given by an esteemed professor who was also a marriage and family therapist.  He talked about how the media feeds us with these messages.  The result?  Lots of folks, once those feelings are a little cooled down, begin to believe they aren't in love anymore.  He identified this as moving from limmerance love to companionate love.
(Limmerance = butterflies, twitterpation, etc.)
(Companionate = more mature love, focus on being a companion to that person, etc.)

So...sparks and crazy passion all the time?
And if it's not like that, you're not in love?
Nah.

It's little wonder commitment and long-term relationships are becoming more and more rare with the philosophies being fed to us on almost every side.

I don't pretend to be an authority on the subject, or to have things figured out. (Ha!)

But.  

My observation is that mainstream messages on marriage seem less and less to encourage a duality, and more and more to extol individuality ("if it isn't working for ME, we're done").  Less about sacrificing for a family, less about sacrificing for someone ELSE, and more about doing whatever it is that you want with YOUR life.

We live in interesting times.

I appreciate these quotes -- because I need the counsel and the reminder.

They ground me.

More than anything, I think marriage is about a deep friendship, one that you can count on. 

But, like President Hinckley says, we can improve constantly by trying to focus more on our companion: on their needs, their wants, their desires, their happiness, their well-being.

“I am satisfied that happiness in marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion. Any man who will make his wife’s comfort his first concern will stay in love with her throughout their lives and through the eternity yet to come.”

~ Gordon B. Hinckley

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two." 

~ Louis de Bernières in Captain Corelli's Mandolin

Lots to think about.

Much to aspire to.

Hope you have a lovely Tuesday. 

Grace, Sacrifice and Cherries

I've been thinking a lot lately about how to turn my heart and life more to God, to grace, to beauty, bliss and simplicity. A week or so ago, I was finally getting into bed, much later than planned. Just as I lay down, I heard one of my little sons starting to fuss. As I lay him down next to me, he snuggled into my body and I lay there stroking his head in the dark quiet for a few minutes. For whatever reason, my mind started thinking about Mary, the mother of the Son of God, and what her thoughts must have been as she held her Child. I don't know, but I have to wonder if she knew what He was born to do, what He would have to go through and fulfill for everyone. I can't imagine what her thoughts would have been, hearing, but not comprehending, what He was going to go through. As I was thinking about this, I was reminded of one of my favorite Christmas carols titled "The Infant King."

Sing lullaby! Lullaby baby, now reclining, Sing lullaby!

Hush, do not wake the Infant King.

Angels are watching, stars are shining

Over the place where is lying: Sing lullaby!

Sing lullaby! Lullaby baby, now a-sleeping, Sing lullaby!

Hush, do not wake the Infant King.

Soon will come sorrow with the morning,

Soon will come bitter grief and weeping: Sing lullaby!

Sing lullaby! Lullaby baby, now a-dozing, Sing lullaby!

Hush, do not wake the Infant King.

Soon comes the cross, the nails, the piercing,

Then in the grave at last reposing: Sing lullaby!

Sing lullaby! Lullaby! is the babe awaking? Sing lullaby!

Hush, do not wake the Infant King.

Dreaming of Easter, gladsome morning,

Conquering Death, its bondage breaking: Sing lullaby!

It is a lovely carol. If I had a wish for you, I'd attach a link to King's College Choir from Cambridge, England singing this. It is oh so beautiful. I was thinking about the sacrifice that she made and wondering what sacrifices I make in my life, or if I make any at all. I certainly feel that I'm not making enough.

Sometimes I think I tend to think of sacrifice as big things -- and I am painfully aware of how many big things I'm not doing. Then I read this post by Geo where she talked about how she mourns the fact that she doesn't have a very good memory. But she mentioned something quite spectacular: that part of having a great memory is forgetting. Forgetting the baggage you carry around, the hurts that injured you, the offenses that you tote around in that bag on your back. So...maybe that's the kind of sacrifice that I could use more of. That is something you can do from wherever you are, and ironically, it is as much a gift to yourself as anyone else it might affect (which I think is generally how sacrifice works). That little post inspired me to try to sacrifice and remember in this way much more often.

I read something pretty profound last night...something that kind of capped a lot of what has been swirling around in my head lately. As I've been thinking about how to fill my life with more of God's love and to cultivate more of an awareness for joy and peace, I've realized that I, in large measure, choose the perspective through which I view my life. Here's what I read last night:

"There is power in our thoughts. We create our own surroundings by the thoughts we think. Physically, this may take a period of time, but spiritually it is instantaneous. If we understood the power of our thoughts, we would guard them more closely. If we understood the awesome power of our words, we would prefer silence to almost anything negative. In our thoughts and words we create our own weaknesses and our own strengths. Our limitations and joys begin in our hearts. We can always replace negative with positive." (from Embraced by the Light)

Then, I loved this by Chelle today, and it was perfect...her thoughts on gratitude and how we view our lives was just perfect. If I want bliss, joy, peace and love, I can have it, but it begins with me and with what I choose to celebrate and focus on.

And lastly, I've had some pretty lovely moments lately to remind me of the simple things that I love. I spent two hours on Saturday with my neighbor. My husband was asleep, exhausted from early working all week, so I headed over to my neighbor's house with babes in tow. Ever since I became a stay-at-home mom, we have had several conversations together. We seem to cross paths more often. She has been a stay-at-home mom now for 26 years, and I admire her so very much. She loves my children, and I love her for that. She inspires me in her dedication to family and how committed she is to her husband and children. I love her for that, too. And I loved her for just visiting with me on Saturday. I was in her bedroom for almost two hours. She showed me her Josh Groban DVD, and we held babies, feeding them (and enjoying ourselves) some Cheese Nibs and Goldfish, and drinking some Cherry Limeades. I love her so much, and I love spending time with other mothers and for mothers who share their wisdom and love with me. Thank you Lisa. I love you so much.

Then, that evening, I pitted cherries for the better part of three hours, with only a break to eat dinner. It was lovely. Something about working with my hands seems to connect me to somewhere deep within that I can't explain. Finishing, my fingers were stained and I could tell the natural oils in my fingers had come off. My back hurt. But it hurt oh so good.

I have much to be grateful for.

How do you go about bringing greater grace, beauty, bliss and simplicity in your life? What do you do to turn your heart closer to God?